Negative emotions – the ability to get closer

These emotions often become a catalyst for conflicts in pairs and provoke alienation. But in our power to wrap them for the good. Psychologist Kyle Benson explains how to respond to a partner’s experiences in order to strengthen trust, proximity and understanding.

Working with pairs, I often hear from one partner: “His anger is simply unbearable! », » When she cries, I am lost and do not know what to do « , and from the second – » She does not give a damn about my life « , » He never listens to me « . Many react to a partner’s emotions dismissively, not understanding that this comes to nullifies emotional intimacy. Over time, this behavior destroys the trust that underlies relations.

If partners trust each other, they support and accept a loved one, no matter what happens. They emotionally tune into a partner’s wave, listen to him with sympathy, instead of rejecting his pain. This helps to feel safe. The behavior of the couple express the following: “Your life is as important for me as mine. You can always rely on me « .

When we are faced with the negative emotions of the partner, we have three options: to support him, to oppose or to self -end. The first option strengthens trust and emotional proximity. The other two disconnect the pair and deepen the conflict.

However, if you can’t support a partner in a difficult situation, this does not mean that you no longer love him. The reason may be related to the difference in emotional models. I often observe how partners put “diagnoses” to each other:

“He is all so logical and cold! »

“She is unbalanced. As if I live in a volcano. You can’t feel safe next to her « .

But an indication of the emotional disadvantages of the partner helps little. Ask for why we behave so differently. Emotional intelligence is the fruit of numerous experiences, which is formed under the influence of relatives, friends and culture.

We attribute different meanings to emotions. Some consider anger a healthy reaction, while others are sure that it should be avoided

I was taught that for a man the only way

to express sadness is to disguise her under anger. As a result, I abandoned part of the emotional “I” to fit into the generally accepted framework. This affected my relationship with a girl. She sobbed, and fear paralyzed me. I had no idea how to console her.

Each of us has his own experience. For example, some love a surprise, others, others cannot stand. If the partner likes surprises, most likely he had a positive experience associated with them. If a person appreciates stability and predictability above all, it is worth delving into his history. Perhaps in childhood he could not predict when and because of what the parent would be angry, exploding, so the surprises are associated with negative emotions.

In addition, we attribute different meanings to emotions. For example, some consider anger a healthy reaction, while others are sure that it should be avoided. Here are a few rules that I learned during growing up:

Fear means you are a « rag ».

Anger means that you are « not in yourself ».

Sadness means that you are not grateful enough.

Over time, such rules develop in an emotional model. We use it to cope with our own emotions and emotions of others.